Jillian

Jillian would have been the name of my first born if I hadn't miscarried.  I chose that name because it was a combination of both my and my "then" husband's.  His name is Gilberto--but in Portuguese, the G's sound like our J's.

I lost this little angel only a few weeks I knew I was pregnant, in fact, I was scheduled to have my first doctor's appointment the following Monday.  I know some of you say I shouldn't refer her as an angel, only a fetus who was not growing properly in my womb.  I know the doctor at the emergency room felt that way, and I will never forget his words that evening.. "Oh I see "something" now." Or the way he said, in a matter of fact way, "Try again in 30 days..."  Nor will I forget the semi sympathetic look on the nurse's face as she dropped a small flesh colored object into a plastic container.  I tried to pretend that I didn't know what she just did.  It may have been easier for me, at the time to think just that way; that it was only a fetus---but, I never could, nor will I ever will. 

                                                                      

  I was 21, and I was just getting to the used to the fact that I was expecting.  The night previous, I was out with my "then" husband and his friends.  His friends were his co-workers who lived out of town, and my then husband wanted me desperately to be friends with his co-worker's wives.  One of them was a very depressed, overweight, lonely, and somewhat friendless woman, who on the first day decided to tell me her life story, and all over marital problems to me on her living room couch.  I felt sorry for her, and was kind, but I could not relate with her.  The 2nd wife, was a young, pretty, thin, and high-spirited Brazilian woman, who made it clear to me, and everyone who cared that she married her husband because of the green card and for nothing else.  What a weird evening. I was tired, and had been "leaking" and apparently so naive, wasn't sure if I should go to the doctor.  My pleas of going home early fell on the deaf ears of my husband, who simply thought I wanted to go home to get away from being friends with these people.  "You just don't want to be friends with my friends..blah..blah..blah..." 

Well, the next night I was at a birthday party at a relative's house, and by the end of the party, I was back at my parent's home, and on my way to emergency, wearing a towel.  It was the most frightening thing I had ever experienced at that stage of my life.  Every time this birthday comes up, I'm reminded of that night and the little one, whom for some unknown reason, just was not meant to live.  I think of a little one named Jillian---and I don't even know of the sex for sure, just something tells me she was a girl. 

A month later, to the day, my 5 month old niece past away.  What a sad time this was.  I thought it very sad and strange that her death marked the one month anniversary of my own miscarriage.  I didn't  want to mention it to my brother about my miscarriage the month before because I didn't want to upset him further.  His little one had been in and out of the hospital since she was born.  God only knows what he and his wife went through losing their first born. 

                       

 

Thirty days later, however, I got news I was pregnant again with my Elizabeth, years later, Andrew, and then years and years later, Nicholas.  Lizzy does enjoy the company of her brother siblings...she even has a new step-brother..but, I often wonder what life would have been with another daughter.  Two daughters..two sisters..  Would they constantly argue and fight, or would they be eachother's best friends--through thick and thin?  Two little girls to dress up in ribbons and fancy, frilly dresses, dolls, boyfriends, proms...teenage girl rebellion.  What craziness, silliness, insaneness, wonderful episodes that would have entailed?  I don't know, and I guess I never will.  It is only there to be imagined now. 

Jillian is and will always be there in the back of my mind, and safely kept away in a little space in my heart.  Today is your birthday--happy birthday, Jill!