Christmas

Yeah, I'm thinking about it already.  I wasn't really thinking about it until my daughter asked me to send an email to her father about Christmas.  Apparently, she and Andrew are still interested in spending Christmas there in New Jersey with their dad.  I was hoping that idea would, like disappear.  It was okay to think about the possibility of them going back in July, but now that Christmas is just a few months away, I don't like thinking about it. 

Reasons why I don't like the idea of my kids away with their dad in New Jersey:

1.  I'll miss my kids.  I've NEVER spent a holiday, or birthday since they have been born away from them. Sure, I know my ex misses them too, but why in the hell did he have to move from California to be on the east coast?  Didn't he know he would miss them?  I am still trying to understand WHY he decided not to see his kids while he was vacationing (he went to a wedding of one of his wife's relatives) in Lisbon this summer.  He could have flown in at least for a few days.  He was only 2 hours away!  I guess the wedding was more IMPORTANT than seeing his two kids that he hadn't seen in over a year!  Perhaps his new wife wears the pants in the family, but still--if she thinks it's okay-I don't like her either. 

2.  My ex-husband is a flake, and  I won't be surprised if he totally forgets he asked the kids to come down for Christmas in the first place.  His priorities are all wacked.  He thinks by sending money for birthdays, and Christmas, and 3 or 4 calls a year makes him a good father.  He flew in to see our daughter graduate, and he was here a total of two days--that's it. 

3.  I don't know his wife.  The only thing I know of her is the awful emails she wrote to me, and the conversations on the phone that were full of lies both from her and her mother.  My ex-sister-in law also told me some interesting stuff about her this summer as well.  They weren't good things.  When the ex-in laws talk badly about their brother's new wife, you have to wonder.  I would much rather my kids spend Christmas with their uncles and aunts in the Azores than their dad--I would have no worries in the world, believe me. 

4.  I'm scared.  I will be totally honest with you.  Do I feel comfortable with my kids with their dad?  No, I don't.  I can't help but think about the past.  I remember the awful words that were said, and stuff that was done.  I remember all the reasons why I left the marriage.  I could have stayed, but for my kids sake, I had to leave. When I hear my ex say things like:  "I want to teach Andrew how to be a man."  I do not lie when I say that it makes me sick.  I shake and feel physcially ill.  I want to kick and throw things. I'm not afraid that my kids will want to stay there, but I know this is what my ex-husband secretly wishes.

So, this is the dilemma I have now.  My daughter is 19, and she wants to go.  I can't really stop her.  My son who is 13 wants to go too.  I can't tell them I forbid them from seeing their dad.  I do know that Christmas is really going to be a major bummer if they do go.  They probably will have fun, and will be spoiled rotten, but you know me, I'm just a worry wart.  I won't be celebrating Christmas until they are safely home--if they do go-which I'm secretly hoping they won't. 

So, will I send the email?  No.  I'm not going to get involved in it.  If he wants them to come, he has to iniaite the plan.  I'm not going to invite the possibility of my kids gone for Christmas.  Its up to him and his wife.  My kids can  send an email if they want, but I'm not going to make him think for one moment that I like the idea, because I don't.  I know my daughter wants to request time off from work if she does go, but she is 19--she can do it; she just doesn't want to take the time to send the email because she doesn't want to deal with it.  May be she doesn't want to deal with the rejection that may come afterwards..  I don't either!!  When my kids hurt, I do too--and I hate the fact that the ex still has that power over us.  Urrg.. 

Thanks for letting me vent.